Company Policy To All Employees
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of
personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore,
a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into
effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who
are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request
a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program
is called SCREW(Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This appeal is
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms
of the new policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who
has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy
of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We
take pride in the amount of SHIT our
employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in
this area. If any employee feels
they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor is specially trained to
make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for
all your years of service with us.
THE MANAGEMENT
